I have not been writing much and at all...and then I'll get a wild hair and read an old post and BAM! There it is...a magic sauce that comes from not me and transforms me in the doing of it - the Writing. The writing is something I have always done, from earliest memory. It was like my soul knew that it was the thing I had that could connect me to myself. I read a post from Skiing and Knitting this morning that was so good it took my breath away...I thought, did I write that? It is so good! And I wrote it how I am writing this and how I've always written everything: fast, free flowing and automatic...it just pours out of me and there is editing going on...but mainly I am trying to get to the vein of what I am trying to say...
I feel I've been in a rut for a few years. Either Covid or aging has made me less excited about things. Maybe that is good? To be more serene and peaceful...just to live an ordinary life and go to work and have my treats be these simple things I really enjoy: AFS, driving for early voting and Eday, my NYC & Taos trips, going to shows and seeing my new friends. Yes I have built an interesting Austin life! Post pandemic it seemed we were all so ready to connect...I fell hard for some dude who I never think about anymore, and that was several months of distraction, but something else is going on as well that is mysterious.
I seem to have low tolerance or interest in peoples b.s. anymore. I am happy enough with my own company and work conversations and talking to the poll workers but old friendships seem to be not as satisfying as they once were. The friendships feel like a rut...but then I feel like I really need them sometimes. I have a very confusing relationship with myself over romance - sometimes I think I really want it and other times I'm not interested at all...it may present itself right in front of me and it's just a big fat NO from the universe...
And yet, driving my Travis County van to the Flawn center fills me with joy every time. The building right next to the Tower, that was called the UGL when I was in school at UT, that building on that campus, that I am at for work reasons feels like one of my "homes". There's Austin, NYC, the Ice, and UT Campus...I have so many memories from that campus: the 4 years I was in school, the first job after moving back from Nebraska, then the many years of work there until 2004 - then Antarctica, Oregon, and a move back to Austin that had me temping at UT again and having a BLAST in the libraries and working with plants, and a weird clean out job at Psychology school, and the the UT Press, followed by Drew asking me if I wanted to be at Elections and I said yes! Elections led me back to being on the center of campus again.
Tonight I had my van parked at Flawn for two hours...the evening was cool and beautiful after a heavy rainstorm all day...ending my day at Flawn feels like coming home...the nostalgia is so big and so heavy...the Union, Cactus Cafe, meeting Erica on the west mall and grabbing the Chronicle too see where the Punk shows were. Mike M waiting for me every day after class...sitting in wonderful classes hearing amazing things and enjoying so much of what I was learning. The awful times with David F and hating him.
But in the beginning was Richard R who I met in his Plan B English class when he was a brilliant 17 year old prep school dropout. I was wearing my Elvis Costello glasses and a tie, and my friend said I have a guy you should meet - it was instant, I fell hard, we hooked up and were lovers and in love. We were in NYC at the same time over X-mas break...I went every X-mas to see Gary and be in NY over New Year's. We met at Elaine's, because that's where Woody hung out. I wore a beret. We sat at the bar and I knew he was seeing his other girlfriend there. When he came back to Austin, where I had been thinking about him every single moment of every day, he dumped me first thing. He came to my Jester dorm room and said he was breaking up with me because he was in love with Arabella and had actually just been using me the whole time. But before that he had told me he loved me, and wanted me to say it back and I couldn't. He was a terrible lover but we hooked up over the years several more times...and then we'd visit in NYC when I'd visit later on..and there was that ridiculous time when he stayed at my Queens apt for a month or so and talked on the phone every night with his girlfriend back in Austin.
How strange to write all that and know that it all started 43 years ago...43 years ago I moved to Austin to be a freshman at UT and what a wild ride it has been...but I keep circling back to campus...a place I lived next to when was born, a place I came back to 18 years later for college, then many years of work, and now I drive there in a completely unrelated job by some freaking miracle...yes this campus is my home - and not because I was bleeding orange or involved in campus activities, sports, or even friends with any other students...this campus was the first place where I got to grow into myself and explore me..the first place I got to break free from my parents rules and be my own person. I was a wild drunken party girl who was also a talented student in some areas (absolutely clueless in math/sciences from day one)..those are ecstatic memories. I think I always tried to recreate that magic by changing jobs every year at UT trying to find that just right FIT and it never really worked...never really worked until I started temping and then now feels perfect as I'm just cruising in in my van and doing a service. I am servicing the polls. I get to see my friend James Thomas a lot. I get to see someone from high school whose life revolves around the campus also...especially west campus...oh those magical days of running around from Radkey Manor all over town. That was a God moment (1988), when I ran into Michael's friend who needed a roommate and it all fell into place. Another magic moment (2010) was when I went up and asked to be duty fork operator and Todd said YES and gave me a contract. And going to NYC at 18 for the first time...going to Europe at 17 for the first time...my life feels like it was designed for me, like it is not random...this beautiful life was designed for me...and I've had so much fucking fun...nyc with Kate, my 25th aa birthday...the cruises with mom, the cruises with myself and with sober people...the super fun job I have now...the fun people I've met: Dana Norman, Paul Rodden et al...the first few years post divorce -wow!
No comments:
Post a Comment