Cowboy

It had been an epic summer of vaccinated fun going out to clubs and seeing bands and meeting cool guys who I really connected with...first there was R at Hole in the Wall and he gave me load of attention and told me how beautiful I was..then there was the tall tattooed German at the next gig who we had an intimate and juicy 3 hours of talking with and he gave me his card. I was perforing in the Cinderella play and had a solo song that was spectacular and I was just beaming from how awesome it is to peform and be on stage...I was so joyful from the the production and all the love we got from the audience and my freinds that I met that I had absolutely forgotten about the German that I was hoping was more interested...but I didn't mind so much that nothing was happening with him...it just seemed every time I went out I met a really intersting guy and had a great interaction...after the incredible Slacker reunion show and two punk reunions shows and the princess play I thought, can it get any better than this??? ...and then it got a whole lot better - I went to the second performance of the princess play and I was not really looking forward to it that much - there was a big Hickoids show afterwards that I was not planning on going to, but after the fun of the play and how alive and awake I felt I knew I wasnt ready to go home and saw the the venue for the show was only 3 mintues away! I drove to the show and heard my band and decided just to go for it and go in - very dressed up in my tight jeans and silk blouse and lots of makeup...I excitedly greeted friends and guys were all over me telling me how beautiful I was...I was watching the band, enjoying myself standing alone and felt a presence behind men - a man (or some men) had planted themselves behind me and I turned around and started talking to them as Chris Burns was talking to them...one was this tall gorgeous cowby with boatloads of swagger...he was tall and manly and seemed so out of my league - the kind of man that I would never think would ever go for me..but I was chatting away happily and must have mentioned something about guys never flirting with me , and he said "Oh I'm flirting with you"...and I said you are! and I never left his side for the whole night...we talked, and Wylie acted a fool constantly coming up to me and saying stupid shit...and the Cowboy put his arm around me and held me close and I asked what he was doing and he said "affetion!" and I was still so baffled by what was happening...we hat that magical connectin that I have with F but this guy was available and wanting to go home with me (or maybe his idea was to go home with some girl that night)...but I asked him to walk me to my car and we passed by a photo booth and we went in and he started kissing me - romantically and passionatley kissing me...it went on and on and then he got bery handsy with me and it all was very fun but I noticed I didn't feel anyting physical with what was going on, I was just so agog with amazement that this beautiful creature wanted me that I was going along with it - he was treating me like I was this gorgeous desireable thing and it was just like a Cinderella moment that was just beautiful and magical and felt like the first time I was with Andy in ANtarctic after wanting him for SO LONG - God I wanted Andy!!! So I was very clear that I liked this guy - I really liked this guy...we had talked a lot and he was the real deal..so when he walked me to his car he reached out his hand and held mine in a grand gesture...it was So. Romantic. There was a full moon, there was a summer cool breeze...we both looked hip and cool and he asked if he could come home wiht me...he wanted to be with me....but no part of me was going to bed down with him...I just didn't want to....I drove home in a swirl and woke up the next morning and was in a LOVE JONES a Big Way...I abanoned my usual routine and my usual self to lay around and feel drunk on the love I felt we had cooked up...I went through the day and did my stuff and he texted me at 2:00 telling me how much fun he'd had...I texted back - heck yes!!! and he asked did I want to get together later to pick up where we left off...which I'm pretty sure meant sex...but if I'd had my wits about my I would have queried..later that day? Pick and do what? Was he asking me on a date? I already know the answer to that...I texted back that I was busy and could see him later in the week or the weekend but I wrote that text out of fear...then a week later I wrote, and yes I want to pick up where we left off"....but I think the moment had passed....night we met was so passioante and beautiful and he was still feeling it the next day and I pushed him off because I was so afraid he just wanted sex...and now I it's been almost two weeks and I havent heard from him and don't really expect to - I have obsessed over him....been giddy talking to my girlfreinds about him, but deep down feel sad about it - sad and angry that I've become someone who cant say yes to this unknown big gesture...maybe it would have been okay? But no part of me wanted to invite him to my house and me have to go through how unromantic it my vaginal sitch is...but I miss that girl! I miss that girl who alway said yes! Who could operate in the moment like that...but it is not me anymore...I could have no more said yes to him that night or the next day even if I'd forced myself...the last time I went against my body with Joel I felt horrible for days...my body said NO and it said it BIG!!! My body said no, but my heart if fully open for him if he decided he wants to get to know me...I need to be courted, and cherished, and takend out on dates...I need to be valued...but a part of me feels I missed out on soemthing beautiful...but did I? what we did have was truly, truly beautiful :-)