this was written 05/24/11 & posted 08/21/12
I must have used this title before for a posting as it auto-filled as I started writing it. I had been putting up fluffy, shallow postings on my other blog about my exciting new life in a new city, but they were not heartfelt or real...just something to throw up to keep people reading, and more, I think, to see for myself if I could come up with something to write about. I have a lot of idle time on my hands now that the thrill of driving across country and setting up my new place have been completed. I get a lot of good feelings from going on job interviews and I've sent out so many applications that I've gone on quite a few...I got a part time teamster dock worker job within 10 days of moving here & I thought "this is it. I've arrived. I'm as cool as I was as an Antarctic worker...", but such is not the case.
I had such an epic season this last one on Ice that I'm finding it hard to just be a regular joe living a regular life. That scenario makes me panic, so I'm looking for creative stuff to do in my idle hours. I'm disappointed with my dock worker job for two reasons: I never know when they are going to call me (I'm an "on call" worker) so I am stressed out to make plans for the day, and I've gotten injured on the two shifts I've worked. And I couldn't tell them because of the macho culture there where we won't get hired full time if we get hurt as a part timer. All of this while I'm paying hefty Union dues and not getting anything out of it except for an extremely cool hoodie (that I paid extra for). So I'm continuing my job search, yet worried about committing to a full time permanent gig after 7 years of working half the year. I'll go back to the Ice someday, but probably not til my dog has made his "transition."
Also, along with the idle time has been some discomfort that has been tugging at my soul...some teeth grinding and tear filled Sundays where I'm feeling frustrated and sad. [ginormous, sprawling & whiny deleted section]. I had been obsessed and grieving until I got to the Ice, the Great Ameliorator and Fixer of everything in my life. I was so busy and engaged in my new job I didn't feel the pain of the loss anymore - though I must have talked about it as a friend pretended to be sawing his neck open with a plastic knife in the galley one night - oops, I must still have been talking about it more than I thought. I met someone wonderful on the Ice and we are having a great relationship, but recently I saw that I still had some grieving to do over this old relationship - [another huge new yorker length tomelette deleted - you would thank me!] but I found out today, and it was just: ouch.
I am going to try and make the best of "regular life" here. I have gone to storytelling shows, art museums, hipster golf, and some awesome volunteer gigs. I may give up this potentially high paying teamster gig to do a more scheduled type warehousing job. Moving to Portland has made me happy in so many respects, and I am grateful for the opportunities laid at my feet. I am tired of trying to be "good" and trying so hard to be perfect since moving here.
I do a homeless feeding mission that should make me very grateful for my luxury problems. I have cracked ribs right now and the good thing is they hurt everytime I laugh...and the one thing I do a lot with my boyfriend is laugh. We were serving up the plates for the 750 homeless folks who showed up for dinner and one guy bumped into the guy next to me and I ended up wearing about a gallon tub of cottage cheese on my jacket, purse and shoes. Chad and I were so busy we couldn't stop serving to clean it up so I just kept laughing as the cheeze was rolling down my side as the rain was hitting it. We laugh over trips to goodwill and the dollar store. He is my Wyoming cowboy gone city cook...and has enriched my life in ways he'll never know.