Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Reinventing at Mid-Life

I cringe when I write that: mid-life. It sounds so freakin old! I don't act or look my age (I hope) but I feel this strong push to reinvent myself by 50 (soon-ish). I've already gotten a new career, completely and utterly unlike what I've done up until now. I worked fairly hard to get it and then luck met opporunity and things fell in place. Check. I am struggling with accepting my looks. I've kind of just gone with the aging so far but am really thinking about getting a little "work" done...don't even know what kind but some sort of neck-skin replacement surgery might be called for. My figure is amazingly holding up well despite my diet, one that is akin to an 8 year old boy's. If I changed my diet radically I would probably look amazing. I am riding on good genes, lots of physical work outside & moderate exercise, and the ability for my anxiety to act like "aerobics" and speed up my metabolism. But the thing I'm really feeling like I need to look at is my accomplishments - in one sense I can stack them up & say they are pretty fair: college degree, acted on a couple of big moves to unknown cities by myself, fair amount of world travel, a thriving art life with dedicated painting, shows, and sales, and trying some new things like skiing, acting & scooter riding. But I want to do more. I am jealous of people who know how to fix lamps, refinish furniture, repair autos, or just tinker with things in general. I know people who can spend an "idle" weekend building websites & doing amazing things on the computer that I don't have an aptitude for. Now I could easily learn how to wrench on things or make stuff in my free time but I find that I don't do it but spend a lot of time thinking about it. Once I got off Ice just obsessed with learning how to operate heavy equipment. I investigated all the schools but it just didn't feel right. I see my friends who make art plug away at that & use the excuse that I am houseless and don't have a studio space. I try to blog, and at times that can be extremely satisfying when I've gotten to the vein of truth in a piece, but I feel a call to write a memoir and I get a thrill when I think about it but feel overwhelmed by it at the same time. I want to stack accomplishments now: learn to dive, ride a real motorcycle, get in great physical shape, find a bitchin' hairdo. I also want to find a new way to express love & appreciation to people and the world. Maybe in a creative way...maybe in a service way...and finally, someday I want a wee manor house in Scotland or Ireland...for when I'm older.

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