this post was written over a year ago, cleaning out my drafts folder, enjoy!
Now that I'm entrenched in my 50s (OMG) I feel the burgeoning of some sort of wisdom but I also can spiral into obsessing over my trouble free and "luxury problem" filled life. I listened to a friend today while he talked about the troubles he was having around eating too much food & an hour into his sharing I was struck by the empty void that needs filling by the child free life - it must be filled with the babies of creativity! We, who have nothing we HAVE to take care of outside of ourselves, nothing depending on us for sustenance, can create "worries" and "problems" out of some pretty banal stuff. We, who sit in coffees shops wearing shorts we bought for two dollars in 1987 at the army surplus store, with our identical Mac laptops surfing sites that fill our brains with information so we'll have something to talk about...think about.
I only write postings like this when I am off Ice and my mind is skittering about over 10,000 things I could do with my life. 10,000 things before breakfast. I live in a small country town outside of Portland where I don't know a soul and live a cloistered life in the most wonderful domicile I've ever lived in. I knit and watch movies and play with my dog and feel very content. But the old excitement-craving me is bubbling under the surface...
I thrive on excitement, travel, an unknown future - I could never do the 9-5 again...not for an extended time period at least. I feel stuck...like I can't decide which way to go, like life is just waiting & brimming for me..holding out it's giant earthy hands swirling with lions & tigers & death & joy & sadness & living on the knife edge of reality.